The UnLovables: Me

This episode is part of our ongoing series The Unlovables—a candid look at the people who are hard to love and why, and how the Bible teaches us not just to tolerate them… but to truly love better.

Today’s episode is unique amongst the UnLovables series because we are going to pursue understanding why you and I are often unlovable, or more accurately, why we have a very hard time being loved by God and others.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

Transcript

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In 1972, at the University of North Carolina a researcher named Beulah Amsterdam conducted a simple test that has become the gold standard for understanding how and when children realize they have their own identity.

Self-recognition is one of the hallmarks of identity.  When children are born, they don’t initially have the ability to self-recognize.  Most infants, barring trauma or neglect, spend the beginnings of their time outside of the womb seeing no difference between themselves and their mother… but as time progresses, they begin to individuate, meaning they begin to see themselves as separate from their parental units.  So, when does a child really fully grasp that they have their own identity?

Beulah Amsterdam figured out the answer with just a tin of makeup and a mirror.  The test was elegantly simple.

Infants between the ages of 6 and 24 months were placed in front of a mirror after a spot of rouge had been surreptitiously put on their noses.

Then their mothers pointed to the reflection in the mirror and asked the child: “Who’s that?”.

Researchers than watched infants’ behaviour.

 Turns out children don’t really recognize themselves until right around 21 months… until then they just assume it is another baby on the other side of the glass, but once they realize the person in the mirror is them, they attempt to remove the rouge. 

            Understanding that I am me and not you and that you are you and not me is a key principle to identity and it is central to our ability to have relationships with others.  To paraphrase the King of Pop, until I recognize the man in the mirror, I can’t help him to change his ways.

            I’m Scott Beyer, and this is the Love Better podcast—where we explore the truths and lies about love, and more importantly, how to turn love into a skill—something we can get better at and hone along the way.

This episode is part of our ongoing series The Unlovables—a candid look at the people who are hard to love and why, and how the Bible teaches us not just to tolerate them… but to truly love better.

Today’s episode is unique amongst the UnLovables series because we are going to pursue understanding why you and I are often unlovable, or more accurately, why we have a very hard time being loved by God and others.

In the gospels, Jesus tells us that the second greatest commandment is “love your neighbor as yourself.”  Somehow, in today’s individualistic culture, we have managed to twist this statement into another one that sounds similar but is entirely different. “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

Is that true?

Is it true that I must learn to love myself BEFORE I can learn to love my neighbor as myself?

I don’t think so… and here is why.

#1 If we needed to learn to love ourselves first, then love your neighbor as yourself would be the THIRD greatest commandment, and that isn’t what Jesus says.  If loving ourselves is something we need to desperately work on, then why isn’t it commanded?

#2 Nowhere within the Scripture is “learning to love yourself” talked about as a concept.  It is always presupposed as something you are already doing.  We are often told the opposite though.  We are told to stop putting ourselves first because the first shall be last and the last shall be first.  We are exhorted to count others as more significant than ourselves and to start looking out for others interests and not just our own in in Philippians chapter 2 verse 3 and 4.  We are told to crucify ourselves and “die daily” for the cause of Christ… and every single one of those commands seems to imply the problem is that I love myself TOO MUCH or at the very least, we love ourselves better than we love others.

#3 When Jesus says the second greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” He is referencing an existing command from the Old Testament… and that command has a context to it.  A context that explains how the way we love others is the way that we ALREADY love ourselves.

The first usage of the phrase “love your neighbor as yourself” is found in Leviticus 19, and here is the passage in its entirety.

You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD. "You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:16-18 ESV)

In Leviticus, loving your neighbor involves a few specific behaviors. You speak well of him – you don’t slander him unnecessarily or destroy his reputation.  You also don’t harbor hate for him in your heart.  Instead of taking vengeance and bearing a grudge, you let things go and give him the benefit of the doubt.  That’s what it means to love your neighbor as yourself… and it turns out that is all stuff we are really adept at doing for ourselves.  We try and paint ourselves in the best light – few people slander themselves, even when we point out our faults, we are quick to rationalize why we are the way we are and give context to our sins.  We don’t bear a grudge – even when we do hate ourselves – we don’t like the feeling, and we work diligently to alleviate it as soon as possible.

A good example of this is Psalm 51.  The entire psalm, written by David, is a lament over his awareness of his own sins and how desperately he wanted them blotted out.  When we see the worst in ourselves, we want it gone so we can see ourselves in a positive light again… that’s a trait I naturally have for me, but it requires work for me to love my neighbor that way, too.

These three pieces of evidence stand as proof that learning to love yourself is a lie.  You already love yourself, sometimes maybe even too much.  You loving you isn’t the problem.  So, why do so many of us feel like it is?

Why do we say things like, “I just can’t forgive myself.” and “I just don’t feel worthy.”

Since these are such common statements – why doesn’t the Bible address self-love more?

Here is why.  Because self-love isn’t the problem.  Recognizing that God loves you even though you aren’t worthy of love is.  The radical claim of the Bible is that God loves you, not that you can love yourself.  We don’t have a problem accepting our own love, we have a problem accepting His.

What we often refer to as ‘self-forgiveness’ struggles is in fact a faith problem.  It is hard to believe in a God that loves you without your masks or image management.  The Bible doesn’t spend any time telling you to love yourself, but it spends pages and pages and pages discussing how God loves you.

Consider some other common statements made when we are in a state of self-loathing.

• “I know God forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself.”
• “I keep replaying what I did—I can’t let it go.”
• “I ruined everything.”
• “I don’t deserve a second chance.”
• “If people really knew what I’ve done, they wouldn’t love me.”
• “Some things are just unforgivable.”
• “I’m just not good enough.”
• “I don’t deserve to be happy.”
• “I’ll never measure up.”
• “Why would anyone love someone like me?”
• “I always mess things up.”
• “I’m broken beyond repair.”
• “I keep asking for forgiveness, but I still feel condemned.”

Each and every one of these statements is rooted in a belief that there isn’t a road back from our sins… and that feeling is called hopelessness.  We feel unlovable by others.  If God and man really knew what we had done, they would never want to have anything to do with us.  Typically, the way that we cope with our sins and wickedness is through three general paths – rationalization, comparison, and self-abasement.

Rationalization is the path of the lawyer.  In Luke 10, when Jesus tells a lawyer to “love his neighbor like himself”, what was the lawyer’s reaction?

But wanting to justify himself, he said to Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" (Luke 10:29)

Rationalization looks for the loophole and the exception.  I haven’t lived as I should, but there was a good reason for it.  My childhood was hard, or I have a genetic predisposition towards certain sins, or you don’t know what I’ve been through.  We also do it by redefining the standard.  We don’t call them sins – we just made a mistake.  A mistake doesn’t sound nearly as harsh as a sin.  We also rationalize by minimizing the scope of the sin.  If I only did it once, that isn’t so bad is it?  After all, “nobody got hurt”

Comparison is another coping mechanism.  If I can compare myself to someone else who I feel superior to, then I can feel better about myself.  This is the Pharisee in Luke 18 that prayed, “God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, crooked, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. (Luke 18:11)”

Comparison allows me to focus externally on the sins of others which alleviates the pain of my own sins.  Unfortunately, comparison doesn’t change anything.  If I’m in prison and find a worse inmate than me, I’m still behind bars.  Their criminal activity doesn’t negate mine.

The last tool in our tool belt is self-abasement, and on the surface, it looks entirely different than rationalization and comparison. Self-abasement is where I do my best to act so pious, so devout, so subservient that it negates all the wickedness I’ve previously done.  Unfortunately, at its heart, this approach is still just an attempt to mask our sins.  If I murdered one person, how many lives would I have to save to undo the damage of the murder?  Or how many truths must I speak to negate the lies of the past?  You cannot undo previous sin with future righteousness.  Self-abasement is a sort of false humility that attempts to mask our sins with piety and devotion.  This, by the way, is directly spoken against in Scripture.

These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, [but are] of no value against fleshly indulgence. (Colossians 2:23)

So, if we can’t fix self-loathing by loving ourselves more, and rationalization, comparison, and self-abasement are all false cures… what is the real solution.  More specifically, what is the Bible solution?

Let me introduce you to the teachings of the apostle John.

In 1st John chapter one he writes,

“If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. (1 John 1:8-10)”

What is the solution to self-loathing? Confession and radical honesty.  No more pretending our sins aren’t that bad, no more comparing ourselves to others – just a complete and full walk directly into the darkness of our own worst selves where we own our sin for what it is.

The Bible is full of paradoxes.  To gain your life you must lose it.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first.  When I am weak, I am strong… and the greatest paradox of all history: The Savior of the world is a man who died.  In His defeat, He led us to victory.

In confession we find another paradox.  We cannot remove self-loathing and shame until we sit with it.

Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the Scriptures say they were naked and ashamed.  Their sin opened their eyes and with opened eyes they realized their identity had changed… so they hid.

And that’s what we do with shame.  We hide it.  We don’t tell anyone about the pornography addiction or our financial struggles or our character weaknesses because it is bad enough to feel shame on the inside – why would I want to come out of hiding for others to see it, too? Instead, we hide behind Instagram depictions of our lives, leave out the difficult details when we make new friends, and carefully curate and manage the image we provide of ourselves to others.

And yet, no matter how hard we try to flee it - shame entered through the garden and now we must live with it.  Our world is steeped in it.  People reject us.  We reject ourselves, and we hide our failures because we often find that if someone really knew how much we had failed, they would never, ever want us.

Shame – it’s the story of sin.  If you knew what I’ve done – you’d never want me.

And yet, the Bible tells us to embrace that shame so God can remove it.  Consider the teachings that surround the Lord’s Supper – a weekly memorial of the crucifixion for all Christians.

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged. (1 Corinthians 11:27-31)

Instead of rationalization, comparison, and self-abasement, Christians are told to examine themselves and judge ourselves truly… and when we judge ourselves truly – honestly confronting our failures, our regrets, and our sins… then we will not be judged by God.

We are commanded to be as open and honest with God about everything we are ashamed of.  All the people you’ve failed.  All the things you’ve said and wished you hadn’t… all the things you never said and wish you had.  The bridges you’ve burned, the work you’ve left undone.

And then, when you are done with that remember…

Jesus came looking for us anyway.  The shepherd came and said these are My sheep and I refuse, REFUSE, to leave them without a shepherd.

looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)

If you want to learn how to love the UnLovable – start with seeing how Jesus loves you.  The Son, who never did a shameful thing in His life, came for you.

And in this we find our identity – in Christ we can love better because in Christ we have shame removed.  If Shame is about identity.  Your identity is now “in Christ”

Paul told Timothy, “I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Don’t make the mistake of trying to love yourself better.  Your job is to follow Christ, honestly and authentically own your shame, and then accept the radical proposition that Jesus loves you who are seemingly unlovable.  And in case you have a doubt about this – I offer as further proof Romans chapter 5:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath [of God] through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only [this,] but we also celebrate in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. (Romans 5:8-11)

God doesn’t love you because you rationalized your sin away.  God doesn’t love you because you are better than other sinners, and He definitely doesn’t love you because you have been so pious and religious that you’ve tricked Him into forgetting your rebellion.  God loved us while we were still sinners… and that’s the radical proposition.

As soon as you own the mess you’ve made, He is ready and waiting to wash it clean.

God loves the UnLovable.  Learn to love better – stop trying to love yourself and accept God’s love instead.

As always, thank you for listening and hopefully we've done something to help make your life a little bit better.  If you have a chance to rate, review or share the podcast it would be a blessing.  By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify, you help us reach more people.

You can also visit my website BibleGrad.com where you can find resources for Bible study and video lessons to help you understand the Bible.  If you are interested, you can sign up for a video series challenge through the website called the #HopeDoes challenge.  Two short videos each week and a chance to grow in your hope by doing hopeful things.  Just go to BibleGrad.com, scroll down and enter your email to get started.

Or maybe you have a fun or obscure history account, a feel-good news story, or a riveting scientific fact you think could help us love better.  If so, I’d love to hear it!  Feel free to email me at scott@biblegrad.com 
 

And if you are ever in the Louisville, KY area, I’d like to invite you to come worship with me and my family at the Eastland congregation.  We meet for worship every Sunday and have Bible classes for all ages on Wednesdays, too.  If you want more information about Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org.  We would love to worship God with you and help you on your walk of faith.

And as always, until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”