Love Better
Remember, you are loved, so go... love better!
Love Better
The UnLovables: the Addict
This is the fourth in a series of episodes entitled The Unlovables.
This episode is part of our ongoing series The Unlovables—a candid look at the people who are hard to love and why, and how the Bible teaches us not just to tolerate them… but to truly love better.
And today, we tackle a hard one—the addict.
"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"
New episodes drop on Tuesdays.
America’s battle with alcoholism is as old as the country itself, and to the country’s credit, few nations have made so many extreme attempts to curtail it. If you look at the history of the United States, it is hard to decide whether it’s legacy has been a love affair with addiction or a constant war with it. We have billion dollar alcohol companies named after founding fathers (i.e. Samuel Adams) and we are also the home of Alcoholics Anonymous, who’s 12-step program became the model for addiction recovery worldwide. In the 1700’s, the American Revolution began with conversations had in town halls across the colonies… town halls that were almost all held in the local taverns.
You cannot watch an American sporting event without being inundated with alcohol marketing. The alcohol industry spends billions of dollars each year advertising its wares. Alcohol ads during events such as the Super Bowl are so ubiquitous they are anticipated and often celebrated as a central aspect of the event. Sports without alcohol, for many, is hard to fathom.
Yet, America has also resiliently campaigned against alcohol and other addictive drugs. Almost every child of my generation can remember the DARE campaign. DARE is an acronym that stands for Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Started in 1983 by the chief of the Los Angeles Police Department – DARE programs sent police officers to public elementary schools across the countries in an attempt warn children that drugs, alcohol, and tobacco are all harmful and to educate us on how to resist peer pressure. Up until a few years ago, I still had a faded DARE shirt stuffed in the back corners of my closet that dated back to my early teen years when I came home from school with a free shirt and the memories of a visit from a police officer that allowed us to skip our regular classes.
DARE was sweeping the nation at the same time that another program, “Just Say No” was heralded by President Reagan, and more outspokenly his wife Nancy Reagan as a much needed effort to educate the next generation against the impact of drugs and alcohol. When asked about her efforts in the campaign, Nancy Reagan said, “If you can save just one child, it’s worth it.” The First Lady traveled over a quarter of a million miles in her efforts to canvas America and other nations educating the youth and visiting drug and abuse prevention facilities.
All of these programs pale in comparison to the efforts of the early 1900’s when America outright banned alcohol for thirteen years. Very few countries have implemented an alcohol ban as sweeping and long-lasting as the United States' Prohibition from 1920–1933. Today, we can’t pass a bill to end Daylight’s Saving Time… but on January 16th, 1919 all but two states of the union ratified the Eighteenth Amendment establishing a unilateral prohibition on alcohol in the United States. Prohibition and the 18th amendment was the product of decades of efforts by the temperance movement and is a powerful statement to how much America was willing to do to go to war with alcohol addiction and the damage it had caused society. The 18th amendment also stands as the only Constitutional amendment to ever be repealed. Thirteen years later, America repealed that same Amendment when it ratified the 21st amendment – again only two states opposed it.
In a nation that can’t decide whether or not it loves alcohol or loves to hate it, there certainly seems to be room for a conversation with some biblical perspective.
I’m Scott Beyer, and this is the Love Better podcast—where we explore the truths and lies about love, and more importantly, how to turn love into a skill—something we can get better at and hone along the way.
This episode is part of our ongoing series The Unlovables—a candid look at the people who are hard to love and why, and how the Bible teaches us not just to tolerate them… but to truly love better.
And today, we tackle a hard one—the addict.
Maybe it’s someone in your family. A brother who can’t stay sober. A sister who disappears for months and only calls when she needs something. A parent who always seemed to love the addiction more than they loved you. Maybe it’s your kid—and every phone call brings that familiar knot of fear. Loving addicts is hard. It’s messy. It’s complicated by relapse and betrayal, by broken promises and sleepless nights.
Throughout American history addiction hasn’t gone away. One of the arguments that led to the repeal of Prohibition was that it didn’t stop people from being drunks and reprobates. The DARE program of the 1980’s didn’t stop many of my friends and peers from making some very poor life choices and as true as “Just Say No” is… many people did, and do, continue to Just Say Yes instead.
There has been no law, governmental ordinance, or national education movement that has ever made any true inroads to eradicating addiction. Do not mistake me, I’m all for the effort and I suspect much good has been done on the individual level because of many of these programs, but the larger truth is that addiction is a tale as old as people.
Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who tarry long over wine; those who go to try mixed wine. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your heart utter perverse things. You will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea, like one who lies on the top of a mast. "They struck me," you will say, "but I was not hurt; they beat me, but I did not feel it. When shall I awake? I must have another drink." (Proverbs 23:29-35)
Those words are from the book of Proverbs and they are almost three thousand years old. Alcohol and addiction have been biting like a serpent for a very, VERY long time.
Solomon wrote most of Proverbs, and in another of his writings he says, “What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9)
Families have had addicts as long as there have been families. Noah’s sons had to deal with the impact of alcohol abuse all the way back in Genesis 9 when Noah drunk himself to a stupor so deep he brought shame upon himself and his family. When Hannah was praying before the tabernacle in 1 Samuel 1 – her prayer was so fervent her lips moved, but the priest, Eli, accused her of drunkenness – it should not escape our notice that women abuse alcohol, too and Eli had seen that sort of behavior commonly enough in his fellow countrymen to make an unfair assumption about Hannah.
In Amos, scathing rebuke of Israel, he talks about the women that lounge about on their ivory couches and drink wine from bowls while listening to the finest of entertainment. The American picture of women drinking excessively under the guise of luxury and cultured living is nothing new.
The Bible doesn’t use the word ‘addiction’ but it instead uses another word ‘enslavement’ to describe the behavior of those ensnared in behavior that owns them.
Romans 6 describes the battle with sin as the unshackling of our souls.
19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification. (Rom 6:19)
And when talking about our attitude toward alcohol, Paul tells his protégé Titus that he should teach people to be “reverent in behavior, not slanderers, or slaves to much wine.” (Titus 2:3)
The addict is not a new phenomenon. Scripture is full of people enslaved to their appetites. Consider Esau. For a bowl of stew, he sold his birthright (Genesis 25:29-34). No long-term thinking, just immediate gratification. Cain was told to master his anger, instead he killed his brother.
Or Samson—blinded not by the Philistines but by his addiction to lust and validation. Time after time, Delilah manipulates him, and time after time, he returns. Why? Because that’s what addiction does—it warps logic and blinds us to consequence.
Drug and alcohol addiction are the most common forms of addiction that we associate with the word, but chemical addictions are not the only types out there. As Peter says, “For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.” (2 Pet 2:18–19)
And when someone has become enslaved to something – everyone around them takes the journey, too.
Loving addicts is hard because addiction hijacks trust. It turns every apology into suspicion. It transforms every good moment into a countdown to the next crash.
Addicts lie. They manipulate. They push boundaries and stretch grace. Not always because they’re malicious—but because addiction narrows the world down to one thing: the next hit, the next drink, the next escape.
Furthermore, loving addicts is complicated by the danger of becoming complicit in their behavior, or maybe even being dragged into the same slavery ourselves.
Jude tells us to “save others, snatching them out of the fire; and on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh. (Jude 1:23)
This is an apt description of showing love to an addict – they are in the fire and you want to save them, but you must protect yourself from being burned at the same time.
How can a Christian love someone who loves a false god? Galatians gives us the answer.
Brothers [and sisters,] even if a person is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual are to restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness; [each one] looking to yourself, so that you are not tempted as well. (Galatians 6:1)
The key is a spirit of gentleness. If you are going to pick up a porcupine - you best do it gently.
If you love an addict, at times you will feel like you’re carrying a backpack full of broken glass—every step is careful, painful, and heavy. You don’t know whether you’re helping or enabling. Whether this time is the time, or just another false dawn.
Gentle love is extremely hard because it gives up control in the hopes of regaining the soul. And there is no better example of this than the account of the gentle father in Luke 15.
And He said, "A man had two sons. "The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the estate that is coming to me.' And [so] he divided his wealth between them. "And not many days later, the younger son gathered everything together and went on a journey to a distant country, and there he squandered his estate in wild living. "Now when he had spent everything, a severe famine occurred in that country, and he began doing without. "So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed pigs. "And he longed to have his fill of the carob pods that the pigs were eating, and no one was giving him [anything.] "But when he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired laborers have more than enough bread, but I am dying here from hunger! 'I will set out and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired laborers."' "So he set out and came to his father. But when he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion [for him,] and ran and embraced him and kissed him. "And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, slaughter it, and let's eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.' And they began to celebrate. (Luke 15:11-24)
Jesus' parable of the prodigal son is the story of an addict and the father that loved him from start to finish. When it says that the son squandered his wealth in "wild living" - that's addiction. That's enslavement to a false god.
So, how did his father love him? Here are five rules of engagement to loving an addict from the account of the prodigal son and his gentle father.
#1 Do not take their behavior personally. When the son asked his father for his portion of the inheritance - it is a horrific insult. It is as if he is telling his father he wished he was dead so he could just have the money now. Addicts steal, they betray, they lie, they manipulate, and they hurt those closest to them. It is not a reflection of you. You aren't a bad father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter, or friend because they act this way. Their enslavement isn't your identity. The father was still a good man.
#2 You cannot force someone to do the right thing. The father let his son go. He wanted wild living. He wanted a life away from everything and everyone that loved him. The father let him go.
#3 The father set boundaries. The son couldn't be kept from wild living, but it also said, "went to a distant country". We do not help people by compromising the integrity of our homes, our families, and our fellowship. If someone wants to destroy their lives with sin - they can do it, but they can't do it here. Love doesn't control others, but it does set standards for relationship.
#4 Understand they must come to their senses. The prodigal son's recovery was his inner work to do and it didn't happen until he hit rock bottom. The father wasn't looking to make a better argument for sobriety and sanity... the father knew the son had his work to do.
#5 Watch the road home. When the son started walking home, the father ran out to meet him. He didn't wait for the son to get all the way back home. He didn't let him make the recovery journey alone. He met him as he traveled back because he was watching for him to come back. This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do because by the time an addict starts their return journey they've often burned a lot of bridges and inflicted a lot of pain. Love is ready with compassion and forgiveness. Don't go to the distant country with them, but when you see them heading back... meet them on the road home.
Addiction touches every family in some way because addiction is another way of talking about humanity's enslavement to sins. You can't save an addict, but you can be a beacon of light that points them to Jesus - the savior of the world.
Where there is addiction there is pain. Where there is love, there is hope.
Learn to love better - learn to love the addict gently.
As always, thank you for listening and hopefully we've done something to help make your life a little bit better. If you have a chance to rate, review or share the podcast it would be a blessing. By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify, you help us reach more people.
I mentioned at the end of last season, that I was revamping my website. An update that was LONG overdue. A special thanks to Brady Cook and Diakonos Marketing for bringing BibleGrad.com into the modern era! If you are interested, you can sign up for a video series challenge through the website called the #HopeDoes challenge. Two short videos each week and a chance to grow in your hope by doing hopeful things. Just go to BibleGrad.com, scroll down and enter your email to get started.
Or maybe you have a fun or obscure history account, a feel-good news story, or a riveting scientific fact you think could help us love better. If so, I’d love to hear it! Feel free to email me at scott@biblegrad.com
And if you are ever in the Louisville, KY area, I’d like to invite you to come worship with me and my family at the Eastland congregation. We meet for worship every Sunday and have Bible classes for all ages on Wednesdays, too. If you want more information about Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org. We would love to worship God with you and help you on your walk of faith.
And as always, until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”
