The UnLovables: The Chronic Complainer

Episode Summary:
In this episode of Love Better, , The Unlovables, exploring the people who challenge our capacity to love. This week’s focus? The chronic complainer — the grumbler, the murmurer, the person who can find a cloud in every silver lining. From outrageous lawsuits to the complaints of the Israelites in the wilderness, we dive deep into why chronic complaining is a problem — both spiritually and relationally — and how to love those who grumble without getting pulled into the negativity.

What You'll Learn:
✅ The difference between venting and chronic complaining
✅ Biblical examples of complainers (and God's response)
✅ Two practical strategies to love chronic complainers without enabling them:

1. Don’t let the contagion spread – Know when to disengage
2. Help them reframe toward God – Redirect conversations to gratitude and faith
   ✅ How reframing our own mindset helps us become part of the solution, not the problem

Key Scriptures:
📖 Romans 2:1 – We often judge complainers while doing the same
📖 Philippians 2:14-15 – "Do all things without grumbling or disputing"
📖 Proverbs 26:20 – “Without wood, a fire goes out”
📖 Colossians 3:1-3 – Set your mind on things above
📖 Romans 8:28 – God works all things for good

Quotes to Remember:
👉 “Complaints are verbal lawsuits against God and others.”
👉 “Loving chronic complainers takes wisdom… and sometimes setting boundaries.”

💌 Have a story, historical fact, or uplifting news to share?
Send it to Scott at scott@biblegrad.com – your contribution might just make it into a future episode!

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"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

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Transcript

            If you are not a lawyer or a judge, it is likely you don’t know Jonathan Lee Riches, but in district courts across the United States, his name is infamous.  Since January 8, 2006, Jonathan Lee Richers has filed over 2600 lawsuits in U.S. federal courts.  He has attempted to sue everyone from President George W. Bush to Steve Jobs to Bill Belichick to racecar driver Jeff Gordon.  He once sued the makers of the video game Grand Theft Auto for “putting him in prison” because of the games depiction of criminal behavior.

            My personal favorite is when he filed a lawsuit against the Guinness Book of World Records because they were about to list him as “the most litigious individual in history”.  Nevermind the facts of the case – The Guinness Book of World Records doesn’t have a category for “most litigious person” and has no plans to include one.

            Mr. Riches is so prolific in filing lawsuits that he has filed them against objects as well as people.  From a case he filed against the planet Pluto to his suit against the Eiffel Tower, Jonathan Riches deserves some sort of award – right?

            Turns out, there is.  The United States Court System gave Jonathan a title few have ever received… they awarded him the title of vexatious litigant.

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

            In the weeks ahead we are going to be doing a series on the podcast that I am entitling The Unlovables.  There are certain people in our lives and communities that are quite difficult to love.  From those that betray and violate our trust to that arrogant know-it-all brother-in-law some people require the very best of our character to love because loving them is complicated by their poor choices and character.  How do you love someone who is self-absorbed? Or ungrateful?  How do you learn to love better when the other person isn’t choosing to be better?  What about loving someone who is aggressive – even abusive?  These are all fair questions that deserve Bible answers.  And today, we are going to study one of the most common unlovable traits in life – the chronic complainer.  How do you love someone who is constantly grumbling and murmuring about everything?  We know you can love anyone, but complainers can be hard to find room for in your heart because nothing is ever good enough for them.

            Vexatious litigation is legal action which is brought solely to harass or subdue an adversary.  In the legal world, vexatious litigation is a close cousin to frivolous litigation.  Frivolous litigation is the use of the legal system to waste time, money, or judicial resources.  If vexatious lawsuits are meant to harass, frivolous lawsuits are meant to delay.  In both cases, the person making the complaint isn’t concerned with the facts involved or the merit of their arguments – oftentimes, they even know it will certainly fail, but that doesn’t seem to stop folks.

            A quick internet search for ridiculous lawsuits will bring up dozens of examples.  From the woman that sued the weather station because they predicted sun and it rained instead, to the man who sued Nike claiming they should have labeled their shoes as "dangerous weapons" after he used them to stomp on someone, to Lawrence Bittaker who sued the state of California for “cruel and unusual punishment” because they served him a broken cookie in prison, to Terrance Dickinson, the burglar that got trapped in the garage of the house he was trying to rob and sued the homeowner because he had to subsist on dog food and Pepsi products until the family came home eight days later.

            Grumbling and complaining can be just as vexing and frivolous as these types of absurd cases that make the news every year.  If you have ever spent much time around chronic complainers, you are aware of exactly how useless and irritating those complaints can be.  Complaints about the weather (too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry), complaints about the traffic (can’t that guy speed up?  Why won’t this light turn green?), complaints about customer service (where are my extra pickles? Why is this line taking so long?), and my personal favorite complaints about having too many choices (There are too many streaming services… I remember just having one tv bill).  We complain about social media ON social media.  When we are poor, we complain about being broke and once we have the money, we complain about having to spend it.  We complain that are work isn’t appreciated, yet we fail to appreciate others.  In an age with nearly instant access to all the world’s information, we complain if a page takes 3 extra seconds to load.

            And, at this point if you are starting to feel like the unlovable chronic complainer might be you… then my work here is done because I’m afraid it’s me, too.

            We don’t like to be around complainers, but often we are the very thing we despise.  When it comes to complaining, it is easy to see what Paul meant when he said,

“Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things.” (Romans 2:1)

            Make no mistake, chronic complaining is a sin.

Again, it is Paul that wrote in Philippians 2: “Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,” (Philippians 2:14-15)

            Grumbling and complaining is one of the most well-documented sins in the whole Bible.  It was the national identity of the first generation of Israelites to leave Egypt.  1 Corinthians 10:10 specifically reminds Christians that they shouldn’t grumble like the Israelites in the wilderness because God destroyed them.  Let’s make a quick list of the things the first generation of Israelites complained about:

·      They complained about being brought out of Egypt (Exodus 14:10-12)

·      They complained that they didn’t have anything to drink (Exodus 15:22-24)

·      They complained about the lack of food variety and romanticized that in Egypt they had meat. (Exodus 16:2-3)

·      They complained about Moses’ leadership (Numbers 16:1-3)

·      They complained that Moses was gone too long and not there to lead them (Exodus 32:1)

·      They complained that the Promised Land was too difficult to enter (Numbers 13:31-14:4)

·      They complained that they were still wandering and hadn’t entered the Promised Land (Numbers 21:4-6)

The Israelites doubted God’s provision, romanticized the past, questioned the leadership at every step, all while refusing to learn from their past complaints as they repeated them over and over again.

If Israel teaches us nothing else, it is that complaining is contagious.  The whole nation murmured in their tents and from one tribe to the next.  Complaining works best with an audience.

Proverbs 26:20 says, “For lack of wood the fire goes out,
 And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.”

Complaints are contentions.  They are verbal lawsuits against God and others… and if you want to stop the contention – take away the audience.  Fires burn out where there is no fuel. Don’t fuel the fire – resist engaging in endless complaints.

If you want to love better, the first rule of helping the chronic complainer is Don’t Let the Contagion Spread.  Sometimes, all you can do is laugh it off and walk away.

They best way to love complainers is to take away their audience, either by walking away or by replacing the complaint in the conversation with something else.

Which is hard to do because, well, frankly – complaining is socially acceptable behavior a lot of the time, and it is a social contagion for a reason – it is easy to find what’s wrong with the world and wallow in it.

Which brings us to another aspect of the Israelites in the wilderness – chronic complainers have a way of turning blessings into burdens.

Even after miraculous deliverance from their Egyptian slave masters, they still found a way to twist the goodness of God into a negative.  Instead of thinking about their freedom from slavery, they longed for the things from the Egyptian lands that they would never have again.  Instead of marveling at the blessing of God’s daily bread, the manna He provided them from heaven each morning, they ruminated over their lack of meat. Instead of enjoying the rest as they waited for Moses return from the mountaintop, they complained that he was gone too long. Over and over again, they chose to frame the situation in the worst possible light.

Which brings me to the second way to love the chronic complainer – help them reframe the situation by redirecting the conversation toward God.  Every situation has two perspectives – the perspective of faith and the perspective of fear.

In the Colossian letter, Paul reminds Christians that they are to have a “new self”.  A life that is transformed by their faith in Jesus.  In his words, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3)

When we set our minds above, we reframe things through the eyes of faith.  That’s why the apostles were able to focus on their persecution as proof God had considered them worthy to suffer for His name’s sake.  That above mindset is why James could tell his fellow Christians to count it joy when they encountered trials because those trials led to perseverance and godliness.  It is also why Paul could face the prospect of death with the words, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)

Complaints often contain an element of truth.  It probably is raining, but that also is what makes everything green.  The kids may be extra messy or stubborn this week, but you also have the blessing of having children… and that’s no small thing.

The problem with grumbling is it chooses to frame the situation through the worst possible lens… and it also removes God from that perspective.  Complainers forget the words of Romans 8:28

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

So, whether or not the person has a Christian worldview – you do! help them reframe the situation by redirecting the conversation toward God.  Being a Christian doesn’t mean you always know how things will turn out, but you know that God blesses faith.

So, when do you engage with someone who is complaining and when do you walk away?

There is a time to engage and listen to someone who is complaining – Job’s friends should have done a better job of listening when he was hurting, but there is wisdom and context to this.  Job didn’t have a history of being a complainer, but instead his reputation was a man of righteousness. Sometimes, good people just need to be able to process their emotions – use wisdom and take time to listen.

It is also appropriate to engage if someone is seeking solutions.  Three times the book of Proverbs reminds us that “in the multitude of counselors” there is safety and wise plans are established.  And again it is Proverbs that writes, “[As] iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)

When someone has a problem and they are looking for help, that is very different than grumbling and murmuring.

On the other hand, it’s time to walk away if evidence says they are on the road to infinite complaining.  Remember the words ‘grumble’ and ‘murmur’ are sins.  Walk away from someone who wants to make you an accomplice.

You should also walk away if the complaints are manipulative.  Delilah manipulating Samson by complaining.  She nagged and guilt-tripped Samson until he caved.  Some complaints aren’t about seeking solutions, they’re about control.

Loving Chronic Complainers takes wisdom.  You’ve got to be able to differentiate between someone hurting and someone who has framed the world unfaithfully.  It also may require setting boundaries for family and friends that like to complain to manipulate or get attention.  And if we really want to love better, it’s probably time we make sure we aren’t part of the social contagion of complaining ourselves.

After all, when our minds are set above, and we know the love God has for us – every day is a day to be grateful for.

Learn to love better – learn to grumble less and choose gratitude more.

 As always, thank you for listening and hopefully we've done something to help make your life a little bit better.  If you have a chance to rate, review or share the podcast it would be a blessing.  By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify, you help us reach more people.

I mentioned at the end of last season, that I was revamping my website.  An update that was LONG overdue.  A special thanks to Brady Cook and Diakonos Marketing for bringing BibleGrad.com into the modern era!  If you are interested, you can sign up for a video series challenge through the website called the #HopeDoes challenge.  Two short videos each week and a chance to grow in your hope by doing hopeful things.  Just go to BibleGrad.com, scroll down and enter your email to get started.

Or maybe you have a fun or obscure history account, a feel-good news story, or a riveting scientific fact you think could help us love better.  If so, I’d love to hear it!  Feel free to email me at scott@biblegrad.com 

And if you are ever in the Louisville, KY area, I’d like to invite you to come worship with me and my family at the Eastland congregation.  We meet for worship every Sunday and have Bible classes for all ages on Wednesdays, too.  If you want more information about Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org.  We would love to worship God with you and help you on your walk of faith.

And as always, until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”