The UnLovables: the Perpetual Complainer

This is a first in a multi-part series that I am entitling 'The UnLovables'.

There are certain people in our lives and communities that are quite difficult to love.  From those that betray and violate our trust to that arrogant know-it-all brother-in-law some people require the very best of our character to love because loving them is complicated by their poor choices and character.  How do you love someone who is self-absorbed? Or ungrateful?  How do you learn to love better when the other person isn’t choosing to be better?  What about loving someone who is aggressive – even abusive?  These are all fair questions that deserve Bible answers.

Today, we are going to take a look at a type of person that I myself find very difficult to love – the perpetual victim.  

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

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Transcript

            In yards all over America there are invisible fences acting as gatekeepers for our canine companions.  Technically called ‘radio pet fences’, the most influential brand in the fenceless dog space is named ‘Invisible Fence’ and just as people say ‘hand me the box of Kleenex’ instead of ‘please pass the facial tissue’ – the name “Invisible Fence” has become the moniker of choice when referring to fenceless pet options.

            The premise is simple – an underground wire is place around the boundaries of the home to create an invisible fence that communicates with a radio transmitter in the dog’s collar that will warn and then remind your pet to stay within the fence using electric shock.  According to the Invisible Fence website - When your pet’s Computer Collar Receiver crosses into the signal field, it first provides an audible warning tone, then provides a gentle static correction that reminds him he’s reached the limits of his boundary. It’s a completely safe and effective way to reinforce your pet’s training.

            In short, stay in yard and all is well.  Leave the yard and a quick zap reminds Rover to go home.  Radio pet fences are all over my neighborhood – they are so common that I often see dog’s lounging about in the front yards of our little slice of suburbia seemingly unobstructed by any boundaries.  Not all of those dogs are good dogs – as a runner I’ve had a couple of them push the limits of their fences to try and get a piece of me, but they always pull up short because they understand the consequences of crossing the line… but what if they didn’t understand the consequences?

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

            In the weeks ahead we are going to be doing a series on the podcast that I am entitling The Unlovables.  There are certain people in our lives and communities that are quite difficult to love.  From those that betray and violate our trust to that arrogant know-it-all brother-in-law some people require the very best of our character to love because loving them is complicated by their poor choices and character.  How do you love someone who is self-absorbed? Or ungrateful?  How do you learn to love better when the other person isn’t choosing to be better?  What about loving someone who is aggressive – even abusive?  These are all fair questions that deserve Bible answers.  And today, we are going to take a look at a type of person that I myself find very difficult to love – the perpetual victim.  How do you love someone who always blames everyone and everything else for their circumstances and never seems to take ownership?  The answer is found in the Bible, but the journey today begins with shock collars for dogs.

In 1967, Martin Seligman and Steven Maier set out to find what happens when dogs don’t make the connection between action and consequence.  Using three groups of dogs they began a simple experiment that has been accurately replicated multiple times since.  Dog Group #1 was a control group.  They were simple placed in an enclosure and left to pass the time in utter boredom.  Dog Group #2 was given bursts of electrical shock at random intervals, but they could stop the shock by pressing a lever.  Dog Group #3 was given the same random bursts of electric shock, but there was no way to stop them.

The third group of dogs, after repeated experiences of unavoidable pain, stopped trying to escape—even when later placed in a new setting where they could escape by simply jumping over a barrier. They had learned that their actions didn’t matter, so they gave up trying altogether.  Seligman and Maier described this phenomenon as ‘learned helplessness’

As I mentioned the experiment has been repeated in various forms with dogs and with humans and humans tend to respond just like the dogs – if placed in situations where there is no connection between consequence and action… eventually we begin to disconnect in our minds the cause and effect of choice.  Learned helplessness is a thing… and in humans at least it looks a lot like the perpetual victim.

A perpetual victim is different than a victim.  A victim is someone harmed as a result of others’ actions – that happens to everyone to some degree or another… but a perpetual victim is something different.  A perpetual victim always sees themselves as powerless.  They blame external factors such as society, their circumstances, or other people for their situation and they avoid taking responsibility for change.  A perpetual victim often rejects solutions while seeking sympathy and since they view themselves as powerless, they may use guilt to manipulate others into rescuing them from things they should really take responsibility for themselves.

What does perpetual victimhood look like?  It sometimes looks like the man who talks about the system being stacked against him so he refuses to apply for jobs or work on gaining the skills and network to improve their resume.  It also looks like the spouse that puts in minimal effort into household chores but when confronted with a continued unfinished to do list always has a good excuse for why the “day got away from them”.  From the kid who’s dog ate his homework to the Christian that frames any correction, no matter how gentle, as “spiritual abuse” and hangs on to past church conflicts for decades – perpetual victimhood is everywhere… and that includes in the Bible.

Consider King Saul – in the book of 1st Samuel we read of the first king of Israel.  He was tall.  He was handsome… and one day, God just appointed him king.  He hadn’t earned the position through mighty works of valor or impressive acts of leadership.  Saul was made king based upon something completely unrelated to him.  God made him king because the people wanted a king like the other nations and Saul looked the part.  Saul was chosen by God, given a throne, and had the people’s support… but it all went downhill from there because Saul was a perpetual victim.

When Saul made a rash vow that nobody should eat during the battle – he blamed his son Jonathan for the poorly made AND poorly communicated decision.  In 1 Samuel 13, he disobeyed God and made a sacrifice instead of waiting for the prophet Samuel.  Saul’s reaction?  He blamed the nation (“the people were scattering!”), he blamed Samuel (“You were late!”), and he blamed the circumstances (“The Philistines were attacking!”).  In classic perpetual victim fashion – Saul shifted blame instead of owning his mistakes.

Saul also deeply struggled with being jealous of others.  When David killed Goliath and saved the nation (because David wasn’t a victim – he walked by faith and made choices that showed it), the people celebrated and Saul felt personally attacked by David’s victory… because when David succeeded it made Saul feel threatened.  His victim mindset turned into bitterness and paranoia eventually leading Saul to drive a wedge between himself and David, his strongest and most loyal soldier.  Saul couldn’t rejoice in others victories or learn from the example of others because he had learned helplessness.  Life happened to Saul, Saul didn’t take control or responsibility for his life.

Saul also became so entrenched in his victim narrative that he refused to accept correction.  In 1 Samuel 15, God sent Saul on a mission to destroy the Amalekite nation.  Saul instead spared king Agag and the best of the livestock.  When confronted by Samuel, Saul insisted he had obeyed (even though he obviously hadn’t) and that his disobedience was justified because he was going to sacrifice the livestock to God.  Notice the doublespeak – I didn’t disobey because I had a good reason for disobeying.  One of the saddest elements of learned helplessness is that the person often really believes their own excuses and because they believe they are completely helpless, they don’t change even when given a chance.

And Saul isn’t alone – Adam played the victim after eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil (“he told God that the woman You gave me made me eat it”).  Cain struggled with a victim mindset when he became upset that God accepted his brother’s sacrifice but didn’t accept his.  He wallowed in self-pity and blamed Abel instead of seeking transformation… and when Cain did face consequences for murdering his brother his words were “my punishment is greater than I can bear!”.  Or what about King Ahab sulking, lying in bed, and refusing to eat when he wanted Naboth’s vineyard and couldn’t have it?  Perpetual victims can come across as entitled, manipulative, lazy, and downright frustrating to the rest of us.  How do you love people who won’t take responsibility for themselves?  Good news!  There is a Bible answer with a science backing.

Remember those poor pups who learned to be helpless?  Turns out that anything you can learn, you can, with effort and support unlearn.  Researchers eventually found that the dogs could be trained to  reconnect their cause and effect meters if someone helped them.  Literally, the researchers had to grab the paws of the dogs and show them that they could leave the room when they were shocked or press the lever and control their circumstances.  Not everyone who plays the victim has to stay the victim.  If you can learn to be helpless, you can (if you so choose) learn to be helpful with the right guidance and support.

And that’s exactly the pattern we see God use with Saul.  God loved Saul, and so did the prophet Samuel… and because God loved King Saul, he didn’t accept Saul’s excuses.  Samuel told him the truth, even when it hurt.  If you want to love better those who make excuses – don’t play along with their victim narrative.  When Saul didn’t utterly destroy the Amalekites, but kept the best livestock – Samuel confronted him with facts.  Here is the conversation they had directly from 1 Samuel 15.

And Samuel came to Saul, and Saul said to him, "Blessed be you to the LORD. I have performed the commandment of the LORD." And Samuel said, "What then is this bleating of the sheep in my ears and the lowing of the oxen that I hear?" Saul said, "They have brought them from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen to sacrifice to the LORD your God, and the rest we have devoted to destruction." Then Samuel said to Saul, "Stop! I will tell you what the LORD said to me this night." And he said to him, "Speak." And Samuel said, "Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel. And the LORD sent you on a mission and said, 'Go, devote to destruction the sinners, the Amalekites, and fight against them until they are consumed.' Why then did you not obey the voice of the LORD? Why did you pounce on the spoil and do what was evil in the sight of the LORD?" (1 Samuel 15:13-19 ESV)

Samuel didn’t accept the excuses or the rationalization – instead he encouraged and provided ample opportunity for Saul to take ownership.  Sadly, Saul’s downfall was never admitting fault, but for God’s part, He lovingly provided Saul with opportunities of self-reflection when, if he wanted to, Saul could have owned his failings and learned from them.

When we love people, that doesn’t mean we always give them what they want because what they want may not be good for them in the long run. Perpetual victims are a great example of this – what they want is for someone to validate their excuses and agree with their finger-pointing.  Instead, ask them questions like, “What role do you think you played in this?” or “If you could go back and do it differently, what would you do next time?”  Questions that leave room for forgiveness without dismissing responsibility are an excellent way to love better.  Because you love them, you grab them by the paw and show them how to take ownership of their circumstances.

The other thing that we see God do with all the perpetual victims of the Bible from Saul to Adam to Cain to Ahab is that He set the boundary of never rescuing them from the natural consequences of their choices.  Remember, a victim narrative tells someone that they aren’t in control of their future and when you save them from their choices, you prove them right!

God warned Adam and Cain about what would happen if they did the wrong thing, and then when they chose it anyways, He let them ride the Consequence Express to Suffer Town because for all of us, sometimes the only way we learn is the hard way.  In Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son found in Luke 15, the father doesn’t chase after the son who went off to a foreign land to waste his life.  He stood ready and waiting for his return, but he let him go so that life could, hopefully, teach him the lesson that he wasn’t listening to.

Jesus didn’t chase after the rich young ruler when he went away sad and God didn’t let Cain play the blame game and feel justified in his bitterness.  If you are struggling with loving someone who fits this pattern, remember it is okay to offer support, but it isn’t okay to enable.  Help them see solutions, don’t validate their complaints.

Because a victim mentality keeps people stuck.  It keeps them from fully understanding their place within God’s plan and how they can truly be transformed if they will choose to walk in the light.  Victimhood says, “I am powerless. It’s everyone else’s fault. I can’t make a change.”  The gospel of Jesus Christ comes with a different message.

Remember the words of Paul in Philippians 4:

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:12-13)

The next time you think – how can I love someone like that? Remember… we all have a touch of victim mentality in us.  We all struggle with learned helplessness from time to time.  There is certainly room to love people who’ve gotten themselves stuck in a victim narrative.  Learn to love better – learn to encourage people to take ownership.

As always, thank you for listening and hopefully we've done something to help make your life a little bit better.  If you have a chance to rate, review or share the podcast it would be a blessing.  By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify, you help us reach more people.

I mentioned at the end of last season, that I was revamping my website.  An update that was LONG overdue.  A special thanks to Brady Cook and Diakonos Marketing for bringing BibleGrad.com into the modern era!  If you are interested, you can sign up for a video series challenge through the website called the #HopeDoes challenge.  Two short videos each week and a chance to grow in your hope by doing hopeful things.  Just go to BibleGrad.com, scroll down and enter your email to get started.

Or maybe you have a fun or obscure history account, a feel-good news story, or a riveting scientific fact you think could help us love better.  If so, I’d love to hear it!  Feel free to email me at scott@biblegrad.com 

And if you are ever in the Louisville, KY area, I’d like to invite you to come worship with me and my family at the Eastland congregation.  We meet for worship every Sunday and have Bible classes for all ages on Wednesdays, too.  If you want more information about Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org.  We would love to worship God with you and help you on your walk of faith.

And as always, until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”