Lone Love

A wolf's journey from suburbia to isolation, the impact of losing your pack, and how to avoid lone wolf syndrome.

This week, we are learning to love better by avoiding isolation and leveraging the power of our lone wolf seasons, too.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

New episodes drop on Tuesdays.

Transcript

         The northern coastal wolf is a subspecies of the gray wolf.  Their scientific name is canis lupus crassodon… but they are more commonly known as sea wolves.   Sea wolves are indigenous to the Pacific Northwest Coast.  They range from Southern Alaska, through British Columbia, living amongst the rainforests and islands.  I will tell you, besides having the coolest name of all wolves - sea wolves are beautiful.  Reddish brown, grey, or white, almost regal in their serenity, sea wolves are quiet hunters rarely seen by humans, they have a way of disappearing into the misty fog of the Pacific Coast at the sound of humanity. Sleeker than their inland cousins, measuring only four or five feet from tip to tail, they are excellent swimmers and live off an entirely marine-based diet.

Like the wolves you are probably more familiar with, like the grey wolves found in places like Yellowstone National Park or the Eastern timber wolves of the Great Lakes, sea wolves are social animals, hunting and living in packs with a clear hierarchy and structure – an alpha male and female guiding the pack while caring for the older and training the younger.  They hunt together, sleep together, play together, and protect the pack together.

         Which is why, in 2012 when a lone sea wolf left his pack and traveled over 25 miles through the urban and suburban neighborhoods of Vancouver Island it caught everyones’ attention.  He then swam two miles through strong currents and dangerous frequented waterways to a small set of uninhabited islands called the Discovery Islands.  His name is Takaya, and he spent the rest of his life as the solitary sea wolf of Discovery Island.

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

         Nobody knows why Takaya left his pack, but here is what we do know.  Once he was discovered, he became a local legend and gained an almost cult following.  Research biologists wanted to study to see how he would adapt without a pack to help him hunt.  Photographers traveled the islands to photograph him, and the BBC even made a documentary on him in 2019 – Takaya: Lone Wolf.  There are books about him, Youtube videos, and all over this mostly uninhabited archipelago of islands visitors are greeted with signs saying, “You are in WOLF country” with instructions on how to act if a wolf approaches you, how to secure your food, and how to keep wolves wild.  You would think WOLF country was full of roaming packs of hunting sea wolves, but no, it’s just Takaya.  The lone wolf of the islands.

         Takaya is a reminder of an important aspect of life – companionship and community.  When we see a lone wolf like Takaya separated from the pack and left to fend for itself without the normal canine social network, it peaks our interest because we recognize the lone wolf as an anomaly that could be dangerous to others and we recognize that isolation is likely dangerous for the wolf, too.

         Yet when it comes to humans, we use the term “lone wolf” as a badge of honor.

“I don’t have friends, I’m a lone wolf”

“I work best alone – I’m more of a lone wolf type”

Or we have other phrases that mean the same thing like, “I’m a one-man show” or “I prefer to go it alone”

What all of these sayings and expressions have in common is glorification of the lone wolf.  It paints a picture that Takaya is the way it ought to be… but the reality is exactly the opposite.  Takaya is the dangerous anomaly, not the ideal.

         Love cannot exist without relationship.  Love cannot exist without connection with others.  Love by its very definition is social.  We cannot love in isolation.  The Lone Wolf cannot love alone.

I have a couple of verses that I would like you to consider.  In John’s first letter he says that “God is love” two times – both of those times are in chapter four.  Both times it talks about God being love it talks about it in the context of our relationship to Him and our relationship to others.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.” (1 John 4:7-9)

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” (1 John 4:16)

In both those instances do you see the emphasis upon relationship?  Love abides, it exists, in relationship.  Love between you and God.  Love between you and your neighbor.  We cannot talk about love without couching the conversation within the context of connection.

Which is the danger of lone wolf syndrome.  When someone spends their life as a “lone wolf” they miss out on connection and it has consequences.  When someone consistently operates in isolation or rejects support or collaboration with others, they are prone to a lot of different problems.

Are you a lone wolf?  Here is a test:

·      Do you find yourself isolating yourself from social situations because they are hard?

·      Do you tend to resist or refuse offers for help?  Even when facing challenges that obviously would benefit from it?

·      Do you take on too much responsibility alone? Maybe feel anxious, stressed, exhausted, or burnt out because of it?

·      Have you missed out on new experiences because you are nervous to put yourself out there?

·      Are you resistant to feedback or constructive criticism?

These are lone wolf traits.  They are Takaya’s way of life and they might make you famous for your solo-flying ways… but they aren’t healthy and they aren’t love.  The lone wolf confuses isolation for independence.  Here is the truth:

If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together.

Over and over again, the Bible makes it clear that if you want to go the distance, you are going to need a team to do that.

Hebrews chapter 10 says:

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:23-25) 

In the center of that passage is the phrase “not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some” – that’s the command, but the context explains why the command exists.

Don’t neglect being around the church because if you do, your hope will waver.  Don’t neglect being around Christians because if you do, you won’t be encouraged and you won’t be stirred up to love more.  Isolation decays love.  Community give opportunity to exercise, strengthen, and build it.

And I don’t want you to confuse me on this point – this isn’t just a call to “go to church” – it is a call to be in the habit of being with Christians and surrounded by people who will help you hold on to hope and remember what matters in life.  Lone wolves lose perspective and they lose hope.

Researchers found that the easiest time to locate Takaya on the islands was during mating season – why?  Because he called for a mate every night.  Takaya would find a high bluff, raise his snout to the moon and howl for her to hear him… but the problem was, there was no her.  There were no wolves on those islands.

Which is the first and easiest answer for how to break yourself out of lone wolf syndrome.  Go to where the wolves are.  You cannot find community on your couch.  You need to get out.  Go to church.  Volunteer.  Take a class.  Join a pickleball club.  Reach out to old friends – reconnect.  Invite others – take the initiative… and while you are doing those things – pray about it.

Psalm 68:5-6 says, “5 Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God sets the lonely in families; He leads out the prisoners to prosperity” (Psa 68:5-6)

God believes in family and God believes in putting people in families.  Pray about your isolation, pray for God to help you find your tribe and place in this world, and then trust Him.  He sets the lonely in families.

Which brings us to another aspect of lone wolf living.  The era of your life when you are single can be one of the hardest in life.  Perhaps you are seeing all of your friends pairing off and getting married, but you have yet to find the right person.  Or maybe death has left you alone, widowed, and with that hollow feeling in a world where others seem to all have someone.  Whether for a season or for a lifetime, singleness does not have to be a bad thing.

The apostle Paul was clear about that point in 1 Corinthians 7 when he says,

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians  7:32-35)  

         There is a benefit to singleness, and singleness is not the same thing as being a lone wolf.  You can be a single person and still have a rich tapestry of friends and community.  You can be single and still learn to love better each day and not be isolated.  It is work, but it can be done.  Paul says that there are benefits, too.  There is an anxiety that comes with caring for a spouse and the responsibility to meet their needs – the single person does not have that responsibility and so they can fully devote themselves to cultivate the kind of life that would bring joy to the Lord.  In short, a single person can love the Lord better because their interests are not divided.  Paul made that choice and the world is a better place because of it.

         In a strange way, that was the thing that thrilled researchers about Takaya.  Here was this solitary wolf without a pack to help train him to hunt, shelter, and feed.  And what happened?  Takaya proved himself wildly ingenious.  He learned skills of how to hunt and skin seals alone.  He found out how to steal eggs from the Canadian geese – which is wonderful because Canadian geese are obnoxious and I have no pity for them.  Takaya even learned how to dig for fresh water during times of drought.  In short, solitude forced Takaya to do things and learn things that the average wolf wouldn’t… and I think that is true if you are living a single life, too.

         Singleness is the opportunity to stretch yourself, learn new things, become the kind of person you know the Lord would have you to be unfettered by the responsibilities that romance and marriage bring with them.  Learn to be the best version of yourself.  The Bible compares it to containers in a household.  1st Timothy 2 says:

“Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware, and some to honor and some to dishonor. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from these [things,] he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified, useful to the Master, prepared for every good work. Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love [and] peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Tim 2:20-22)

         The truth is that everyone has seasons of isolation and everyone has times where they must live as a lone wolf in some capacity.  So how do we do that well?  We use the time to be vessels prepared for whatever good work God has in store for us.  Learn new skills, work on yourself, find ways to become the best version of you.  The work we do when we are alone becomes who we have to offer to the pack.

         So, if you feel like Takaya for a season that’s okay.  Everyone exists on an island from time to time… but don’t make it a lifestyle.  Lone wolves are the outlier, not the norm.  Connect, unite, and integrate because, remember, if you want to go fast you go alone, but if you want to go far, go together.

         Learn to love better – learn to stop being a lone wolf.

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And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”