Appreciated Love

The Long Friday of Iceland, a plaque in the Oval Office, and the journey to be unappreciated.

This week, we are learning to love through appreciation.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

New episodes drop on Tuesdays.

Transcript

Nestled in the vast North Atlantic Ocean, Iceland is a sparsely populated island nation.  With an area of roughly 40,000 square miles.  Iceland is almost exactly the same size as my home state of Kentucky.  But square footage is where the similarities between Iceland and Kentucky begin and end. Iceland, dubbed the land of fire and ice for its frigid temperatures and volcanic activity is separated from the rest of the world by ocean and untamed wilderness.  In a country where it is easier to view the Northern Lights than almost anywhere save the remotest parts of Canada or Greenland – the harsh winters, the beautiful, but rugged terrain, and the isolation of the geography all foster a strong sense of mutual reliance in Iceland.  Which is exactly what made October 24, 1975 such a memorable day for Icelandic men.

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

         Today we are going to talk about learning to love through appreciation, and there is no better place to see that highlighted than 1975 in the island nation of Iceland.  Amongst the glaciers, the hotsprings, and the cascading waterfalls… the women of Iceland made a decision.  They decided to take the day off.  In a grassroots effort to show their value, single, married, laborers inside and outside the home, mothers, and grandmothers collectively decided that October 24 wasn’t going to work for them.    Qhat was initially by intended by the organizers as a splashy publicity stunt… ended up stunning the entire country by the pure scale of female participation.  An estimated 90% of Icelandic women opted in to Women’s Day Off and opted out of everything else.

The idea behind the Women's Day Off was to showcase the indispensable role women played in the workforce and daily life. By taking the day off from their jobs, domestic chores, and childcare responsibilities, women demonstrated the vital services they provided, which often went unnoticed and undervalued.  And though politics played a part, the lesson was clear – if you cut out half the population, you definitely appreciate the unseen tasks when they go undone.

Factories shut down, fathers with no other option available took their children to work with them or stayed home, men found themselves cooking, managing household chores, and handling a type of load that typically went unseen but magically accomplished.  The ladies referred to it as “Women’s Day Off”… the men of Iceland called it “the long Friday.”  Which is hilarious… and also revealing.

One aspect of love is appreciation.  1 Corinthians 13 describes love as a thing that “does not brag and is not arrogant”  Pride destroys love because pride and arrogance emphasizes my part, but de-emphasizes the work of others.  When husbands don’t see and recognize the value of the work their wives do as workers at home or as parents of their children, we cannot be surprised when our daughters grow up looking down on those roles, too.  The Iceland women knew what the men were about to find out.  They didn’t want to stop being wives, mothers, and keepers of the home – they wanted to be seen.  They wanted to be appreciated.

In the very beginning of creation, God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

When God made Eve, He made someone suitable for Adam.  Suitable doesn’t mean the same – suitable means a mate – like a key with a lock, two sides to a zipper, the lid to a pot, or the hooks and loops of Velcro.  Suitable things are different but functional because of those differences… not in spite of them.

Differences in marriage are a good thing – her strengths can buttress his weaknesses.  His sense of adventure is balanced by her caution or her creativity adds color to his practicality.  One spouse is emotionally expressive, another carries the strength of emotional restraint.  Her detail-oriented ways help make his big picture thinking happen.  The differences become strengths because they are used to divide the problems and double the joys.  Marriage can be a hook and loop Velcro combo between optimism and realism, organization and spontaneity, and empathy and tough love.  These are not right and wrong differences, they are both and pairings… but only if we understand and appreciate the other perspective.

That is part of why Peter tells husbands to dwell with their wives in an understanding way… because if you understand the differences in your spouse, you have unlocked a superpower.  Learning to love the differences between you, makes you a better person.  Your weaknesses are marginalized by their strengths IF you stop to appreciate them and understand that different CAN be better.  A good marital exercise is to list the differences between you and your spouse and then explain how those differences have made your life better.

Another exercise is to start being intentional with saying thank you for the things they do every day to improve your life.  You’d be amazed at how many thinks often are happening that easily get lost in the shuffle of daily living.

Maybe she makes sure there is always extra toothpaste and you never run out… her attention to details makes sure the inventory of household essentials stays stocked up.  Or maybe he always makes sure the gas tank is filled and the oil is changed.  Things like folded laundry, your favorite mug always being cleaned, bills being paid, or taking the initiative to run errands on the way home from work.  Different people remember to do different things and those unique perspectives and skills create a fuller life for everyone.  If she is the cruise director for vacations, the fact that you feel like it just happens, doesn’t mean it did.  The leaky faucet didn’t manage itself – somebody fixed it.

And that isn’t just true in marriage.  The apostle Paul reminds us that the church is exactly the same way.  In the city of Corinth, the church there was plagued with division and bitter rivalries.  Christians had become so judgmental and dangerously angry with each other that hostility was close to breaking out.

So, what was Paul’s solution?  Think of the church the way you think of a body.  Different parts, but one common goal.

Paul’s exact words in 1 Corinthians 12 are:

“For the body is not one member, but many.  If the foot says, "Because I am not a hand, I am not [a part] of the body," it is not for this reason any the less [a part] of the body. And if the ear says, "Because I am not an eye, I am not [a part] of the body," it is not for this reason any the less [a part] of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." [1 Corinthians 12:14-21]

It was only 100 years ago that scientists discovered insulin.  Until then, nobody knew what it was, nobody really understood that it was the pancreas that controlled blood sugar levels, or that consuming carbohydrates required insulin to process the glucose.  The causes of diabetes and the importance of insulin are well-known and appreciated facts now… but if you lived in the roaring 20’s… you had no idea they even existed.  But that didn’t stop the body from producing insulin and the fact that it went on unnoticed doesn’t mean it was unnecessary.

And this is just one example that highlights what Paul is saying to the Corinthians.  Your body is made up of many, MANY intricate and varied parts and all of them need to do their job together to make life happen.  If one breaks down, the rest do to.  Ever throw out your back?  If so, you know exactly how much life grinds to a halt when one part of the body isn’t running at peak performance.  You probably won’t get a lot of compliments for your spine or your pancreas, but they are definitely a blessing.

So, if we want to love others better, we need to appreciate their differences and appreciate the quiet acts of goodness and grace they bring into our lives.  That goes with God, too.  If you can’t love and appreciate the simple graces of people, chances are you aren’t going to do a very good job of being grateful for the unseen ways God works in your life, too.  And that’s a problem.  A soul grateful to God is a soul faithful to God.  A good side study is to go read Romans chapter 1 and see what it is that leads people away from God – not acknowledging Him and not giving Him thanks are the top two culprits.

Acknowledge people and give them thanks.  Acknowledge God and give Him thanks.  Do that, and you will be fulfilling our mission on this podcast – you will be loving better.

And with that aspect of unappreciated love under our belt… now we need to tackle another passage about appreciation.  We need to go to the Sermon on the Mount and look at what Jesus says about seeking appreciation.

In Jesus’ seminal sermon, Jesus delivers a groundbreaking principle on how you should love and serve others.  In His own words:

1 "Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. 2 "So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. 3 "But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees [what is done] in secret will reward you. [Matthew 6:1-4 NASB95]

After all the talk about appreciation and how love appreciates the deeds of others, what does Jesus say?  Don’t do your deeds to be appreciated!

One of the most profound things about Jesus is his ability to highlight the important paradoxes of life.  Yes, you should seek to show appreciation for the quiet deeds that others do, but when it comes time for you to do those deeds… you cannot do them for the appreciation.

Do not, and I repeat, do not do good deeds in your marriage so that your spouse will praise you.  Do them because they are good.  Do not help people to be seen as helpful.  Help people to help.  Do not be generous to be seen as generous.  Be generous because you can.

During Ronald Reagan’s presidency, he had a small plaque he kept on his desk in the Oval Office.  It read, “There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn’t mind who gets the credit.”  It is a good reflection of the some of the concepts Jesus was teaching in Matthew 6.

Seek to be underappreciated… or at the very least, stop worrying about who gets the credit.  And when you couple a willingness to not get the credit with a lavish desire to give credit and appreciation to those around you for the work they are doing – you have found a powerhouse combination.

Learn to love better.  Learn to appreciate others for the blessings they are and find joy in doing good without need for approval or acknowledgment.  Learn the Icelandic lesson that it’s a long Friday without the other folks around.

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By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast, you help us reach more people. Also, if you want more information about the work I'm doing at Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org or my personal Bible site, Biblegrad.com, where you can sign up for daily Bible devotionals called Biblebites and receive them in your email each morning, take online Bible classes, or find videos that will help you study through the Bible throughout the year.

And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”