Inherited Love

A castle in Bavaria, a folk song worth listening to, two boys who ended up with two fathers, and a lesson on privilege.

Today, we look at leaving an inheritance.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

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Transcript

The Moselle River is a tributary that flows and fills the Rhine river.  The Moselle begins in Northeastern France and floats its way through Luxembourg and eventually ripples a lazy journey into Western Germany.  As the Moselle River wends its way to join its larger, more famous cousin, the Rhine, it passes through the Eltz forest and the city of Wierschem.  It is likely that none of this means much to you unless you are from Germany, but I want you to imagine yourself floating the river.  The hills are covered with black pine, spruce, ash, and beech trees.  Woodland creatures scamper amongst the undergrowth, and the smell of petrichor is abundant.  The Eltz forest is the sort of place that fairy tales happen in, and just as you might expect Hansel and Gretel to arrive, a bend in the river brings the Eltz castle into view.  Now in Germany, castles are all over the place, but very few castles are like Burg Eltz.  This castle has a secret.

For over 800 years, Eltz castle has been owned by the exact same family.

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

For 34 generations, the Eltz family has owned a castle in Western Germany.  It is everything you would expect a Germany castle to be.  It has spires, turrets, cobblestone pathways, and an epic view from atop the high rock spur it sits upon.  34 generations of inheritance – that’s almost 900 years of the Eltz family passing down this gigantic castle from one generation to the next.  It is almost unheard of – typically, somewhere along the line, war, politics, poverty or simply a lack of stable lineage destroys the chain of hands that would keep something like a castle in the care of a single clan.  Why?  Because inheritance is tough.  Normally what we inherit gets lost along the way or in the very least, diluted.

         Today, I want to talk about inheritance because if we want to love better it is going to require a conversation about what we are passing down to those we love.  The Bible talks a lot about inheritance, both the ones we receive and the ones we pass down… and I’m not just talking about finances.  Although, financial inheritance is probably an easy spot to start.  The Bible says in Proverbs 13:22 when it says, “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, And the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.”

         Financial gifts are definitely a blessing to pass down to our children and grandchildren.  When you save more than you spend, it puts you in a position to create a legacy of financial success… and that takes planning and thought.  You don’t just wake up one morning and live an estate behind.  You have to make a will, save and carefully manage what you’ve saved so that you have something to leave behind and leave behind in the right hands.

         Proverbs 31 even talks about the financial privilege that is enjoyed by children of godly parents in that the woman of Proverbs 31 dresses her family in scarlet through her financial savvy and industrious hands.  Privilege is a bit of a dirty word in today’s culture, but it shouldn’t be.  If you can store up and create a privilege for your children without leaving them entitled, that is clearly a loving thing.

         But you notice what I said there – financial inheritance is a privilege, but only if they aren’t entitled.  Money in the hands of a spoiled brat who doesn’t know how to work or save or share with others isn’t a blessing, it’s a curse.  It isn’t enough to hand down a financial inheritance, we want to leave children with the gift of a moral code.

         In the ever increasing effort to educate my children in the exceptional qualities of folk music, I’ve introduced them to voices like Simon & Garfunkel, Crosby, Stills, and Nash… and the lesser known, but equally fantastic Marc Cohn.  Marc Cohn is best known for his hit single from 1991, “Walking in Memphis” – it won him a Grammy, but in 1993, two years later he released an album entitled “The Rainy Season”  It is folksy and lyrical and exactly the kind of music my family begs me to stop listening to in public.  On that album, the eleventh track, the last track is a song I can hardly hear without tearing up.  Partway through cutting this album, Marc found out that his wife was pregnant – and penned the song, “The Things we’ve Handed Down”  I’ll spare you reading all the words, just verse three:

I wonder who you'll look like
 Will your hair fall down and curl?
 Will you be a mama's boy
 Or daddy's little girl?
 Will you be a sad reminder
 Of what's been lost along the way?
 Maybe you can help me find her
 In the things you do and say
 And these things that we have given you
 They are not so easily found
 Oh but you can thank us later
 For the things we've handed down

         The things we’ve handed down are that Marc Cohn is discussing are involuntarily inherited traits.  Children who inherit facial features, eye color, or hair color from their parents.  Maybe you have your mother’s chin or your grandpa’s ears or perhaps you have your great grandfather to thank for your male pattern baldness.  Some folks have dimples and others can roll their tongue – even your sense of taste is inherited from your ancestors – there is a percentage of humanity that finds cilantro disgusting because it tastes like soap to them – all because of inherited genetic traits.  These traits, though beautiful in their own right, are completely randomized and we have no control over what we hand down.

         But we also have voluntary inherited traits we pass down, too… and these are an inheritance we do have control over.  The company we keep impacts the way we live.  When your children laugh just like their mother or they sigh like their father – this is behavioral mimicry, not genetics.  You might have heard it as the difference between nature and nurture.  Nature is what traits we natural are born with, and then there are behavioral traits that are nurtured by who raise us.  Most of my children came home through adoption, so we don’t share any nature traits, but just listen to how they talk, watch their hand gestures, or listen to them tell corny dad jokes and you will know they are mine.  Children are especially susceptible to mimicking behavior, but even as adults, we tend to parrot the behavior of the company we keep.

         Some things to consider – did you know that children who do chores are more likely to take on more responsibility at work as they get older? Or children with high stress parents struggle with behavioral and emotional problems?  Or children whose parents set high expectations of them do better academically?

         Deuteronomy 6 addresses this principle when God told Israel:

[Deu 6:6-9 NASB95] 6 "These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. 7 "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 8 "You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. 9 "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

The point of this passage in Deuteronomy is to intentionally teach your children things because if not, you will unintentionally teach them things.  Your home is a place of education for those young minds in it, and the behavior they see becomes the behavior they mimic, and the environment they are in becomes the one they will replicate later.

The law of inheritance is that what you live is what your children inherit.  Patience or anger issues.  Nervous anxiety or peaceful faith.  Generosity of spirit or selfish ambition.  A child’s home is their school of character.  So, don’t just leave them money – leave them skills, character, and habits.

         The Bible gives an excellent crossroads between the inheritance of finances and the inheritance of character.  Two boys – Ephraim and Manasseh received both.  In Genesis 48, Ephraim and Manasseh are best known for being given a portion in the inheritance of Israel – essentially becoming two tribes because Jacob elevates them to being equal with his sons, instead of grandsons.  These two boys received two inheritances – the financial inheritance of joining the ranks of the twelve tribes of Israel, and the character inheritance of being raised by Joseph – one of the most godly men in the history of the Old Testament.

         When financial blessing is combined with character – an inheritance becomes a blessing, but the finances without the character – that’s a trainwreck.

         Solomon describes inheritance’s need for character when he says, “Wisdom along with an inheritance is good and an advantage to those who see the sun.” in Ecclesiastes 7:11 and how that often isn’t the case because in the same book in chapter two he will say of his own wealth, “Thus I hated all the fruit of my labor for which I had labored under the sun, for I must leave it to the man who will come after me. and who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the fruit of my labor for which I have labored by acting wisely under the sun. This too is vanity.”

         The lesson – money isn’t a gift if it isn’t combined with wisdom.  A legacy labored for with wisdom needs to be given to those who have inherited that wisdom, too.

         Because often times, if we aren’t intentional with our character and behavior – the thing that we pass down to the next generation isn’t love, it isn’t money, it isn’t character… it is trauma.  One of the most commonly inherited things nowadays is trauma.  Today, in the US – 43% of children live without their father.  More and more psychologists argue that the upcoming generation should be called “the fatherless generation” because the trend is growing.  When parents aren’t there for their kids, they definitely aren’t being loved better.

Fatherless children account for 90% of all homeless and runaways, 71% of teen pregnancies, 63% of youth suicides, 71% of all high school dropouts, and 70% of juveniles in state institutions.

Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.

When fathers aren’t involved (and mothers, too… but I will say mothers seem a lot less of the problem here), our children inherit a vacuum of love and character that is replaced by trauma.  The word trauma means ‘a deeply distressing or disturbing experience’.  In all of our interactions with others, we can either be a blessing or a distress.  We can leave them with goodness or darkness.

Paul in his letter to the Ephesians would address the importance of using our time with people wisely when he says, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” (Ephesians 5:15-16)

And perhaps that’s what it all comes down to – in all your relationships – make the best use of the time because you don’t get any of that time back, and inheritance is what you leave people with after you are gone.  You may not have a castle in Bavaria to offer the next 34 generations, but you can leave them with your love no matter what.

Learn to love better.  Leave behind the lives you touch with an inheritance of character and care.

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And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”