Bystander Love

A smoky room, a tragic, preventable death, and five steps to helping others.

This week we are talking about the dangers of living life one step behind the crowd.  It's time to assume responsibility.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

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Transcript

On a peaceful spring day in the middle of April 1968, students sat in their New York University classroom waiting for class to begin.  Papers were shuffled, pencils were sharpened, and seats were shifted and scooted around to become as comfortable as standard classroom seats can be.  In the midst of their preparatory rituals, unbeknownst to the students a thin wisp of smoke began to snake its way into the room through a nearby vent. The scent, subtle at first, grew more pronounced. As the smoke's presence became undeniable, a tension emerged. What to do?  The reactions were varied - some grew visibly uncomfortable, shifting in their seats or wrinkling their brows.  Others looked around to see if their fellow classmates saw or smelled what they did.  In the end, horrifically, most did nothing.  And that is exactly what the researchers thought might happen

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

            Today, we are going to talk about the dangers of being a bystander because the event I just described was a setup.  In 1968, two researchers, Bibb Latane and John Darley concocted an experiment known as the Smoky Room Experiment.  Its goal was to study the social effect known as “the Bystander Effect”.

What happens when we feel like others could take responsibility for a situation?  Do people act differently when they think that they are just bystanders and not active participants.  The answer is yes, and I believe it is one of the most dangerous destroyers of love… because bystanders don’t act, they observe… and love is an action.

Ask yourself, what would you be most likely to do if in the middle of class and smoke began to billow out of a wall vent?  Would you look around at what every else was doing first?  Would you still seek help if your classmates all shrugged and went back to their lessons?  Would you pull the fire alarm if no one else seemed to care?

What Darley and Latane found was that when people are alone and encounter an emergency, they feel the need to act because isolation breeds responsibility.  If I’m the only one here, I’m the only one who can do something about it.  In their own words, “if an individual is alone when they notice an emergency, they are solely responsible for coping with it.  If they believe others are also present, they may feel that their own responsibility for taking action is lessened, making them less likely to help.”

In other words – most of the time more people means more bystanders, not more helpers.  When the same smoke was pumped into a room with only one person… they almost ALWAYS reported it.  To make matters worse, when you add apathetic actors into the mix who shrug their shoulders and behave indifferently to the smoke – only 10% of people reported the smoke.

I want you to properly understand how powerful the bystander effect was.  The smoke continued to enter the room and even though they filled the room with so much smoke that people began to cough and even have their vision obscured – in group conditions most people still refrained from reporting it.  That’s right, everything was on fire, but they were fine. No problem – nothing to see here.

The study itself is absurd, but the impetus for it was no laughing matter.  Four years before the Smoky Room Experiment was performed, a young woman named Kitty Genovese was attacked outside her apartment building in Queens.  Initial reports claimed that as many as thirty-eight witnesses heard or saw parts of the attack but did not intervene or call the police.  Kitty did not survive.

The shocking truth was that everyone thought everyone else was doing something, and so everyone did nothing.  When the neighbors were asked why they didn’t intervene or call the police earlier, answers included “I didn’t want to get involved.”, “Frankly, we were afraid.” Or “I was tired. I went back to bed.”  It was a dark moment in New York history and it had people questioning the moral decay of the America.

But it wasn’t moral decay in the basic sense – everyone agreed that murder was wrong.  It was far more subtle than that.  The decay wasn’t caused by a debate over what was right it was caused by a belief that somebody else should do what was right.  Nobody rushed in.  Nobody ran toward the danger or to the rescue.  Everyone was a bystander and no one was a savior.  

And that’s the real issue – a world of bystanders is a world without heroes.  The Bible is full of cautionary tales of the bystander.  The story of the Good Samaritan – who are the villains?  The two guys that walk by on the other side of the road assuming the guy in the ditch isn’t their problem.  When Jesus was crucified – where were the adoring crowds of His triumphal entry?  Or even the disciples of His inner circle?  Everyone was watching, no one was stepping in.  Even mobs are mostly bystanders, with just a few instigators.

In James’ exceptionally practical letter on what it means to live a life for Jesus he says in chapter 2 verses fifteen and sixteen, “If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and be filled," and yet you do not give them what is necessary for [their] body, what use is that?”

Indeed… what use are words when actions are needed.

John builds on this anti-bystander theme when he writes in 1 John 3:16-18:

“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”

The problem with bystander behavior is that it is so much easier.  It allows us to let others take the lead and wait to act based upon the momentum of the crowd.  It rationalizes cowardice and apathy.  I don’t have to be bold if I wait for others to go first and I don’t have to take responsibility because others will… which is nice because deep down I really don’t know that I care as much about that injured fellow on the side of the road anyways.  Why do his problems have to become my problems?

And dangerously, this is often seen in churches.  The larger a congregation becomes the easier it is to fill the pew, but duck the responsibility.  More deacons means less work for me, right?  The Bystander effect is closely tied to another phenomenon called the diffusion of responsibility.  When there are more people we tend to mentally diffuse or spread out the responsibility over everyone so that we feel less accountable for acting.  

So what is the solution?  Latane and Darley studied the bystander effect for years and decided there were five stages at which we become bystanders or helpers.

Stage #1 Notice or be distracted

Stage #2 Interpet the situation as an emergency or don’t

Stage #3 Assume responsibility or assume that others are responsible

Stage #4 Know what to do or lack the skills needed

Stage #5 Decide to help or choose inaction

If you miss any of those stages you become a bystander.

And sometimes that is a good thing.  My son-in-law is a paramedic and when it comes to stage #4 Knowing what to do in an emergency – you want him trying to save your life not me.  I lack skills beyond basic first aid.  He put the work in and has them.  Make me the bystander.  Let him help.

Sometimes it is okay to be a bystander.  If you lack the skills to help, make room for the professionals… but Stage #4 is rarely the problem.  Typically it is the first three stages that are the real issue.

Step #1 Don’t be the guy that said, “I was tired. I went back to bed.”  Start paying attention and noticing things.  Get out of your own head.  If you want to love better, start looking for the person struggling to put a heavy load in their car at the home improvement center.  Notice the single mom trying to figure out what she is going to need to take off the grocery belt and what she can afford to keep on.  Start seeing these things and you are one step closer to leaving bystander mode behind.

Step #2 Recognize emergencies as emergencies.  Someone that is caught up in sin – that’s an emergency!  A Christian that has started to drift from the Lord – that’s an emergency.  Your friend, neighbor, coworker, or enemy that is beaten down and ready to give up – that’s an emergency.  Your kids that are infatuated with the Babylonian ways of our culture and media – that’s an emergency.  Don’t wait for it to get worse – these things are problems now and need to be addressed with a sense of urgency.

And Step #3 Assume responsibility.  We tend to do the opposite.  We tend to assume we aren’t responsible… but that means I’m choosing to be a bystander.  Participants find their part.  Assume you have a part to play in the events going on around you.  I’m not the paramedic, that’s not my part… but that doesn’t mean I can’t get him or clear the path so that he has easy access to the patient.  My part might be getting his attention or making it easier for him to do his part.  Assume you have a part in this great play called life and start being an act-or.  Do something and assume there is something you should be doing.  Passive is for bystanders.  Active is for you.

Which brings me to the anti-bystander.  There is no greater proof that you are made to make bold, risky moves than Queen Esther.

The Book of Esther tells the story of a Jewish woman named Esther who becomes the queen of Persia. Haman, a high-ranking official in the king's court, plots to have all the Jews in the kingdom exterminated. When Esther learns of this plan, she faces a dilemma. She could have remained silent and avoided revealing her Jewish identity, but instead, she chooses to break the bystander effect pattern by taking action.

Esther decides to approach King Xerxes to plead for the lives of her people. This was a risky move, as approaching the king without being summoned could result in her own death. But Esther puts her own safety on the line to intervene and save her people. In Esther 4:16, she says, "I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish."

Esther's decision to take action in a critical moment is significant. She doesn't rely on someone else to step forward or hope that the situation will resolve itself. Instead, she takes personal responsibility and uses her position to advocate for justice and protection for her people.

Esther's story demonstrates the importance of breaking the bystander effect pattern by showing initiative, empathy, and courage in the face of adversity. Her willingness to risk her own safety to intervene and advocate for those in need serves as an inspiring example of taking action rather than remaining passive or indifferent.

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Which is why – in our house – we call them Esther moments.  When you have a chance to do something, participate, get off the sidelines and make bold, risky moves – these are Esther moments.

Because Esther was no bystander.

Learn to love better.  Learn to love like Esther and the Good Samaritan.  Stop trying to love like a bystander.  Learn to love the responsibility and find your part to play.

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By sharing with others or leaving a review on Apple Podcast, you help us reach more people. Also, if you want more information about the work I'm doing at Eastland, visit us at eastlandchristians.org or my personal Bible site, Biblegrad.com, where you can sign up for daily Bible devotionals called Biblebites and receive them in your email each morning, take online Bible classes, or find videos that will help you study through the Bible throughout the year.

And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”