Unequal Love

A study of the fastest man alive, the difficult of living in an unfair world, and the recipe for winning anyways.

Today, we take a look at what it means to love unequally.

"Remember, you are loved, so go, love better!"

New episodes drop on Tuesdays.

Transcript

Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive.  In fact, he is the fastest man in history.  A swarthy Jamaican with an infectious smile, Usain Bolt can run 100 meters in 41 steps.  To give you context, that is about nine feet per stride.  His feet strike the ground so fast and rise so rapidly that his heels never touch the track.  He retired in 2017 as the most decorated sprinter in history.  His work ethic is the stuff of legends, but it is hard to not factor in the genetics… and so in his swan song year heading into retirement, the scientific community asked if they could study him.  How perfect is the world’s most perfect sprinter?  The answer… not that perfect at all.

I’m Scott Beyer and this is the Love Better podcast where we explore the truths and lies about love and more importantly how to turn love into a skill – something we can get better at and hone along the way.

         When researchers from Southern Methodist University studied the biomechanics of Usain Bolt, they found something surprising.  His technique was flawed… I mean deeply flawed.  As the theory goes, a sprinter should be as symmetrical as possible, meaning that his foot strike, the moment his right and left feet touch the ground should be as close to equal as possible and the peak force should also be as close to equal as possible.  Ideally, a runner should press down for the exact same amount of time and effort on both feet to maximize efficiency and output.  An even, symmetrical stride optimizes your effort.  Balanced runners are faster runners… so the expectation is that Usain Bolt, the fastest man in history, should be the most balanced, symmetrical runner in history – but he isn’t… not even close.  Usain Bolt holds the record for the 100 meter sprint at 9.58 seconds… and he did it while his right leg used 13% greater force than his left and his left leg remains on the ground 14% longer than his right.  That may not seem like much, but most elite runners only have a difference of 2 or 3%.  Usain Bolt’s asymmetry is nearly 7 times greater!  And yet, he wins.  He almost always wins.  Every one of those researchers from the 2017 study of Usain Bolt was fixated with balance and equality, but you know who wasn’t?  Usain Bolt – because winning isn’t about equality and balance, it is about getting to the finish line first.

         Today we are going to talk about unequal love because just like the researchers from SMU, we are generally flummoxed when things don’t come out balanced.  Human beings have an innate desire for pattern and fairness, but sometimes waiting for equality isn’t the fastest path to victory… and I’m convinced there is a lesson to be learned about love there.  When you think about relationships, my guess is that you care about equality and fairness.  In general, we expect our relationships to be balanced and reciprocal.  When I buy things from a grocer, I expect food and they expect money.  If I don’t get my food, I am going to be upset.  If they don’t get their money, they are going to call me a thief.  We each get something out of the relationship – it is reciprocal.

         And reciprocity and sharing are signs of a healthy well-balanced relationship.  Healthy, stable relationships are meant to be full of sharing and reciprocity.  Consider a healthy marriage.  

Emotionally, in a healthy marriage – both spouses feel listened to, understood, and they each offer the other one empathy, encouragement, and comfort.  They also engage in constructive dialogue – there may be some criticism, but it is balanced by encouragement, patience and a desire to find resolutions together.

There is also balance in the realm of responsibilities.  Both husband and wife work together to distribute work, make decisions collaboratively, and submit to the needs and responsibilities God has designed.  From chores to childrearing to financial management there is a healthy distribution of effort and shared responsibility.

We would also expect a healthy marriage to have reciprocal trust.  The husband trusts the wife and the wife trusts her husband.  They both acknowledge the other, value them, and treat each other with honesty and openness.

Now, don’t mistake reciprocity with sameness.  In every relationship, and definitely in every marriage, the distribution of work, the emotional needs, and the individual circumstances and dynamics are going to vary, but the principle remains the same even if the specifics vary from one marriage to another.  Healthy marriages involve two people working hard alongside each other to meet mutual goals.  Two different people with equal investment in the success of their united relationship.  Ideally, all marriages and really all relationships would model this type of reciprocity in one form or another.

But sometimes, they don’t.  In fact, often they don’t.  What happens when you are on a team at work and you put in more than your fair share of effort while others slack off?  Or that friend that always dominates the conversation but has little or no interest in your life or opinions?  Or even worse, when someone openly is hostile to you and even abusive?  What do we do when balance turns to imbalance and function is replaced by dysfunction?  What place does love have in those relationships?  Is it possible to successfully love others in those situations?

I believe it is possible, and I think the Scriptures agree with me.  And it all begins with one idea – love has nothing to do with fairness.  Consider the story of Joseph in Genesis – his brothers abused him, sold him to slavery, lied to their father that he was dead… and yet Joseph fed them, housed them, and forgave them.  Not equal.

Or David with King Saul.  David was Saul’s dread champion.  He defeated Goliath, elevated Saul, served him faithfully for years, and Saul exploited him, lied about him, accused him of treason, and chased him out of the country… oh, and by the way, he gave David’s wife to another man.  Yet, David spoke well of Saul and saved his life on multiple occasions where vengeance would have been an easy option.  Nothing fair about that.

Or how about Ruth?  When Ruth’s husband died, Ruth was left widowed and had every reason to return to her own people, but instead she cared for Naomi even though she had no biological connection to her.  Ruth rose early, worked hard, and met the needs of a woman who wasn’t her responsibility at all.  Ruth loved Naomi and became her caregiver despite the unfairness of the circumstances.

And don’t even begin to get me started on the inequality and unfairness involved in Jesus’ love.  The Scriptures put it plainly when it says in Romans 5, “For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

There is absolutely nothing fair about Jesus’ love.  So, the first step to addressing inequality in relationships is to understand love isn’t fair.  I would even take it one step further and say love is when we demonstrate care and concern for others without regard to fairness.

Fairness is a question of justice – equality is an attempt to address whether or not we have gotten our due share out of something.  Love is a question of grace – it is an attempt to address whether I have put in all that I can into the relationship.  Fairness asks what do I get out of it.  Love asks what can I put into it.

Peter addresses this idea of unequal love when he says in 1 Peter 3:9-11

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. “

If we repay evil for evil – we are being fair, just, and equal… but we aren’t being loving.  Unequal love makes a decision:

People don’t decide how I treat people.

I’m going to say it again so we can remember it together:

People don’t decide how I treat people.

When I am worried about what is fair, I am giving other people control over how I behave.  When I decided that I choose love – then I’ve taken back control.  I’m in charge of how I treat them, not them.

So what if it is unequal?  My life, my love… my decision.

And once you make that decision – we can address the problems of poor communication, imbalance in responsibilities, physical or verbal abuse, or any other imbalance from a place of power instead of victimhood.

Which brings us to the next point – love isn’t the same as trust.  In John’s account of Jesus’ life, John makes a fascinating observation about Jesus and His love of people versus his trust of people.  In John chapter 2 it says,

“ Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.”

You can’t argue that Jesus doesn’t love people because He died for all of us – you aren’t going to love better than Him… but Jesus who loved people also didn’t always trust people because Jesus wasn’t naïve.

You should love everyone, but that doesn’t mean you have to trust them.  It is perfectly fine to set up boundaries.  If there is abuse, those boundaries may require physical distance until proof of change has occurred.  If someone isn’t doing their fair share, you may need to let them fail because you set a boundary to not enable their laziness.  If someone isn’t putting equal effort into the relationship, it may require you having an uncomfortable conversation about that to find balance and harmony again because if trust has been lost, love might look different for a while.

And this is a perfectly biblical principle.  Jesus sent out his disciples to preach the good news to cities, but also told them that if the cities rejected them, they should shake the dust off their feet and move on – if the city didn’t want the gospel, the loving thing to do was to accept it.  When Peter became overzealous and struggled with his listening skills, Jesus rebuked him.  He also disagreed with Martha when she got her priorities out of alignment.  Respecting others freewill and disagreeing with people doesn’t have to be unloving.  As the book of Ephesians says, there is another option to childishness and pettiness – “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ.”  It is possible to speak, truth and set honest boundaries in a loving way.

How do you love when things aren’t equal?  You decide to stop focusing on equality, and instead make a decision to think about the finish line.  What is the goal of love in this relationship?   If I love this person, what do I want for them… not what do I want from them.  When we start thinking that way, typically the answers start to become clear.

We may want love and respect from our children… but will we love them by training them, guiding them, setting boundaries for them, and teaching them to be adults that glorify God even if they are disrespectful or unloving?

We may yearn for intimacy and understanding in our marriages… but will you help, honor, serve, and do your best to help your spouse see God even when that intimacy and understanding isn’t there at the moment?

We want respect and proper compensation from our employers… but will you be a good employee, honest, and hardworking regardless of whether that is reciprocated?  That doesn’t mean you have to work there forever, but as long as you do, are you honestly giving your best and not burning bridges behind you?

Because after all, even if love is unequal – what is the alternative?  To choose to be less to keep things fair?  To choose to be petty so you can reciprocate pettiness?  Of course not, because if we want to love better we must stop letting other people decide how we treat them.

Because if I have to choose between repaying evil for evil or repaying evil with good, I’m going to do what Peter said in 1 Peter 3:17-18

For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God

This week, as you face the relationships that aren’t equal in your life.  Instead of waiting for them to balance the books, choose to love unfairly.

And interestingly enough, that’s exactly what Usain Bolt did, too.  Having looked at the results of the study, instead of deciding to rebalance his gait, Bolt decided to go right on winning.  Who cares if it is equal if you are winning.

In your life, many relationships won’t be fair and balanced, but if you learn to love better even in those unequal relationships you win at life.  Learning to love unfairly is another way of saying that you want to learn to love like Jesus… and that is the type of love that makes champions.

Love better – love unequally

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And until next time, “Remember, you are loved, so go… love better.”